I’m never loved back, I’m tired

Since I was a little kid (13 y/o) to today (22M), I’ve always gotten “friendzoned.” I’ve had two girlfriends a 4-month relationship and a 2.5-year one, and almost no casual sex besides that (i know this sounds off from the title let me explain myself) , I’ve got a ton of matches on dating apps and yes, I met both of my exes there first.

My female best friend at the time rejected me when I was 13, and never ever has a girl I liked liked me back (when I met them in a “normal” or everyday/social situation). After multiple rejections in all my teens, i started trying when i was 18-19 and had success on dating apps, I was like: why the fuck can’t I connect first in a different way? So I just stopped trying.

It almost doesn’t make sense to me, since the girls I met on apps when I saw them in person they were indeed attracted (not all of them, of course). But all the girls I met irl never were.

And there’s this girl from college we have mutual friends with, we started building a friendship through the gym. I broke up with my ex 3 months ago. And with this girl, we’ve been seeing more and more of each other. I started going to her place, and in group meetups, we started spending more time together. She’d hug me sometimes, and we were just spending a lot of time together lately, like, a lot. She started sending me reels of “one of the best feelings in life is to find somebody you connect that much, that you don’t feel judge and could be your truly self “ ahhh reels.

Today, she invited me to the movies. We saw the movie, had a great time as always, then we went to McDonald’s, and we walked and talked for hours at the mall. I didn’t want it to happen, but I just couldn’t hide my feelings anymore after spending another whole day together , she literally took a thousand pics of us. Then we went to a park and laughed, she even set up her phone to record us on one of the games, just goofing around and then we saw the 10 min video of us having a great time, and i felt i was in some of those movie flashbacks of how someone met his wife.

I can’t be touchy I have hyperhidrosis, my hands sweat 24/7, and I’m very aware of it so I i almost never touched her. After another day of like 6–7 hours just the two of us, right before she left, I kissed her because I couldn’t stand it anymore.

She went home. We talked. She posted a story of us on IG and shit. And after all of that, she told me she doesn’t feel the same. She loves me as a friend.

And it’s always the same. She doesn’t feel the same way. I’ve gotten this treatment everywhere since I was a little kid. Everyone, at some point, gets loved back but it’s never happened to me. Like I’m not a man. Like I’m not desirable.

I can’t even feel attracted to girls I meet IRL anymore, because it’s always the same. I’ve had to rely on apps. And I’m just tired. We were so close, to the point where I told myself in my head, it’s impossible she doesn’t feel this too. And i really don’t want it to happen because i know I’m not going to be loved back.

But i shoot my shot and then it happened again.

And I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I’m just tired.

Yes I’ve had two girlfriends, but you don’t know the amount of rejection I’ve had all my life besides that. That I subconsciously blocked every girl I don’t met on tinder/bumble because of the trauma.

And I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I’m just tired man :(. Why most people gets reciprocated and it costs me so much.